Being Tested, A True Blessing of Meditation

it was perhaps 2 weeks ago now. i was walking home from the park, contemplating my own judgments and expectations of others in my life. seeking out that balance which is always shifting. four white guys pulled up alongside me in a sedan and began yelling at me, “hey nigger! yeah you, you fuckin’ nigger!”

needless to say, this startled me a bit. it’s been a long time since anything like this happened to me (conversations on YouTube notwithstanding. LOL!). i wasn’t sure how to appropriately respond, so i just gave them the finger and continued on my way. they decided to pull the car over to the side of the road, not 50 yards in front of me, and the guys on the passenger side opened their doors, placing one foot on the concrete, threatening to climb out, while yelling “WHAT! Huh? WHAT! Fuckin’ nigger!”

it began to register with me that this might turn into a full-blown confrontation, and a potentially dangerous one. my heart rate increased, my adrenaline started running, and it made me smile a little bit. 15 years ago i lived for the rush that i was feeling in that moment. that moment of truth, of fight or flight. and it took me a lot of years to beat all of the ‘flight’ out of me so that i could stare down any situation, no matter how threatening, and just lose myself in the fury and passion of the occasion. but not on this day. on this day i found that i had a choice of how to respond.

i chose to simply continue walking toward the car, not changing my pace or my demeanor. it seemed appropriate to unbutton my shirt as a signal to them that they were in for a serious fight if they took this thing far enough. i stared at each one of them, and i scanned for a weapon. being that i’m a large guy, it’s just not likely for a group of guys to peg me as an easy target unless they’re equipped, and i was fairly confident that i could handle just about anything short of a gunfight. once i saw that no one had a weapon, i figured they were just playing a game of chicken and would speed off as soon as i got up to the car. and that’s exactly what they did, screaming the N-word as their tires screeched down the block. a couple of my neighbors watched in horror from across the street, so that made it a little embarrassing. but once it was over, it was over. i just went on about my evening.

here’s what’s crazy. for YEARS i had conditioned myself to just go APE-SHIT if the N-word or ANYTHING RACIST occurred in my presence. even when i was gang affiliated i fought far more white supremacists than i did crips. just 4 years ago i almost lost my department store job because a couple of skinheads came in with their girlfriends to shop. they were actually really polite guys, but i felt a tremendous moral obligation to challenge them and put them in their place. i was shaking with so much adrenaline that i had to call a manager to relieve me, and i paced in the back of the store for more than an hour, hating myself for letting them get by and saving my job. it may sound absurd to some people, but i felt ashamed of myself, like a sellout, for not brawling on-the-spot. and it took me two days to fully recover and be myself again.

but with this incident that just occurred, it didn’t trouble me. it was just a peculiar event, and i was ready to do whatever was necessary in the moment, but nothing more. and once it was over, it didn’t eat away at me.

i know that i owe that serenity to my meditation practice. just one of many blessings.

“Blessed indeed are we who live among those who hate, hating no one. Amidst those who hate, let us dwell without hatred.”

–The Dhamma Brothers